I don’t know how to handle you anymore.

You’ve changed. Yeah we’re sober and all is supposed to be good, right? I just don’t feel like it is. Today we replaspsed. It was your idea. I went along with it as usual because all I want is you to be happy. I’m starting to feel like this relationship is solely me bending over backwards to make you happy and me getting shat on when it’s me that needs something. Every ounce of energy and resources I have go into you. 

How does one talk about these things to someone who is only concerned with themselves eighty percent of the time. You tell me you’re worried I’ll get tired of you and leave and yet you don’t ever show me my feelings matter. You ignore me to argue with people you don’t know on Facebook, I’m lashed out on when I stand up for myself. I’m put down when I feel wronged. 

My brain is so fucked over the last two years and I have no clue how to talk to you about it because you’re not responsive to it. 

I’ve never wanted something to work so bad that I’m willing to be blinded by the things that are wrong. 

Forgive me for my whining.. I might just snap today if I don’t put it somewhere. I have one place you can’t invade my thoughts and turn them around on me but appearently that’s wrong too. 

I give up. 

Relationships suck. Life is hard. And we all have problems. 

May you all have a good night. I can’t even finish my thought because I can see you’re about to ask ” who you talking to, what’s that? Let me read.” I deserve privacy too. 

I wish I had someone to talk to.

My friend does things that irk me beyond no end. Stupid little things that seem controlling. I’m over it. Everytime we get close to fixing things she pulls some shit. And heaven forbid I mention it. When she’s in the wrong she finds a way to snap it to me real quick. I just wanna feel like my voice matters. I’d love to have someone to tell me I’m not crazy for my feelings. 

Went to a beach today.

It was the most beautiful and relaxing location. My life needed today so much. We got through some necessary talking and took a nice peaceful nap in the hammock under the sunset. It was beautiful. Days like today I would live over and over again. And now I work seven days til I have my next day off. Let’s hope I can keep this composure. 
On another note I got a good amount of reading done towards my natural studies. I wish I was truly in school for it. I know I would be excellent with it. For now it’s just a goal I am working towards. I wish I could find more people interested in it to talk with. I want to share my shampoo recipes and such with everyone and anyone. 
If you stumble across this and you make your own body care and wellness products naturally, message me. I’d love to pick your brain. 

Here goes nothing

I’m desperate for a place to put my thoughts. I’m so consumed and lost in the jumbled mess I call my mind. I’ve been bottling up things for too long that I don’t even know how to express what’s wrong. I just want life to get better. I’ve fought one hell of a battle to get to where I am… so why does it feel like I’ve lost when I’ve triumphed way more than I ever imagined. Will I ever truly be able to ride wicked past? Anyway, I suppose I’m intending this blog to take place of a friend.. since I feel no one listens to me for me. 

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